What does it take to raise faithful children—children who successfully fly from the family nest into a warm and fruitful relationship with their Heavenly Father? If there were a fail-safe recipe, every Christian mother I know would employ it to exact specification. There are certain truths such as Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” and other scriptures that explain just what this means in specifics: “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.” Deuteronomy 6:7
Psalm 128:2-3 brings up an agricultural analogy when it refers to our children as “olive plants.” The family, in which we labor for souls, is a microcosm of the Parable of the Sower in Matthew 13. We learn from this parable that there are three factors that must work together to produce faithfulness. All three play a part in bearing fruit.
The first and only factor in which there is no variation is the Father Himself (James 1:17). God has created this garden we call family. He appoints mother and father as farmers and provides the perfect seed to grow faithfulness. His sunshine of grace and mercy provides the miracle that results in spiritual fruit. We can count on this.
The variables depend on the remaining two factors. Will mom and dad study The Farmer’s Almanac and preplan the specifics for success? Will they indeed abundantly plant the seed? Will they diligently weed the garden of those things that detract from growth? Will they remove the pests that would eat away at the vulnerable little shoots? Will they be watchful of the birds of the air that would remove the precious seeds from young hearts? Will they tirelessly water and fertilize? No one farms perfectly, but will enough be done to produce fruit in this wonderful garden? Occasionally there are unique variations of this process. We have all seen people who come to Christ from the vilest of upbringings, and yet, like a wild blackberry bush, they grow fruit upon fruit. God can do that too. Whoever the sower of the seed is, he or she is the second factor.
Truth be told, a parent may do all these things, but a third factor remains: The child must receive the precious seed, allow the germination process, and do their part to maintain their own inner heart's soil for the rest of their lives (Proverbs 3:1-6). The longer I parent, the more I pray for receptive hearts in my little olive plants. And the longer I parent, the more I realize I cannot do this on my own. Certainly there are parents for whom circumstances have caused them to have to raise faithful children with little or no help from other farmers. I know zealous young Christians who grew up in very small congregations where mom and dad were almost all the encouragement they had spiritually. God can make that happen too. No one can argue with Bob Dole when he said "... with all due respect, I am here to tell you, it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a family to raise a child," This in response to Hillary Clinton’s 1996 book It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us. Ms. Clinton’s book is described as presenting “…her vision for the children of America. She focuses on the impact individuals and groups outside the family have, for better or worse, on a child's well-being, and advocates for a society which meets all of a child's needs.” Lift your eyebrow and say hello to socialism. And yet, as usual, the lie is mixed in with some truth, some very important truth.
Christianity is a “one another” religion. (Galatians 6:2) Furthermore, Christianity is a “help one another” religion—and with parenting being one of the most complex, baffling yet most consequential tasks at hand that one can aspire to, this all adds up to calling in experts to help me assess my garden, and come up with ways of helping it produce more fruit. “…in abundance of counselors there is victory” (Proverbs 11:14).
At the height of my own bafflement last summer, I called the one woman in my congregation I trusted most to get some truth to germinate in the heart of my teenager. They have spent a lot of time together and consequently we have truly turned a corner. Converselly, I have also been given numerous opportunities to make a difference in the lives of other teenagers in our congregation. Things are not perfect, but with the mutual help in one another’s gardens, our congregation has two to three front row pews full of teens and preteens who want to do the right thing. It has taken a lot of things for this to fall into place: close, mature, noncompetitive relationships between parents (1 Cor. 12:26), humility and defenselessness when receiving gardening advice (Proverbs 27:6), and a willingness to acknowledge truth, yet knowing when to quietly discard poor gardening advice. Helping each other produce fruit in one another’s gardens has required trusting the motives of one another, not being easily offended, and using plenty of tact, all the while respecting the fact that parents are ultimately responsible and we must therefore respect their authority, even when we they do not accept our advice.
Humble approaches are persuasive approaches and may include such words as “I remember going through that…” “I have an idea you may or may not want to consider…” “I don’t know if this will work for you, but it sure did work for me…” What acts of service are most helpful to the novice farmer? Help the mother of the newborn by assurance and praise for her attentiveness. Show how precious her baby is to you. Baby-sit for date night. Be understanding of her sensitivity. Ask questions about the baby’s habits so as to open conversation that may help solve issues.
To help the mother of a toddler or preschooler, start a parenting class in your home. We use the new James Dobson videos. Say something encouraging such as, “Consistent discipline can be exhausting, but your labor is not in vain!” “When I see how hard you are working at disciplining your son, it makes me think how much easier you are making it on yourself when he’s a teenager”. Offer to help take the child out for the exhausted parent. Bring a bag of special quiet books for them to use during worship. We have a member named Candy who after worship actually gives out candy, causing the toddlers to conclude, “This place is great”.
You can help the parents of a school-aged child by making it a point to engage their children in warm conversations relating to their interests, having them over for a show-and-tell of your own hobbies, teaching in their classrooms, or building a rapport by occasionally attending their games or performances. When they do something that shows good character, put your hand on their shoulder, look them in the eye and tell them, “I’m impressed.”
The most important thing you can do to help the parents of teenagers is to keep the moral standards of your own home godly. Nothing’s more difficult than trying to get one’s teenager to think, speak, dress, and be entertained as they should, while the standards of the Christians they once respected slide into worldliness. Start a class for teens and invite others from congregations nearby. Organize service opportunities. Host scavenger hunts, karaoke or game night; plan a prom alternative, or whatever good, clean fun your local teens enjoy. Most importantly, look for any teenager you think needs a boost of confidence and give them that extra measure of friendship---the more they sense your sincere affection for them, the more fruit you can help them bear in their own life’s garden.
Cindy Dunagan
cindy@straightpathspress.com
Author of the Journaling Toward Moral Excellence series of journals for young writers, preteens, teenagers, and young adults.
www.straightpathspress.com.
Journaling Toward Moral Excellence
