Anthropology is the science of humans and their works. I love anthropology. There are very few things I find more fascinating than other people and what they do. I am an anthropologist, of sorts, when I spend time with other women. The diverse backgrounds and personalities of each one I find intriguing. Whether we’re working alongside each other cleaning someone’s house, or are putting together a women’s lectureship, or visiting the elderly, or enjoying a few nights at the beach together, I love being with them. It is easier to understand women when you are one of them.
Sometimes, however, there is an event that all are invited to, yet I’m the only woman who shows up. And if I keep a low enough profile, it feels as though I am a fly on the wall or have somehow been given a rare pass to look into the keyhole of the mysterious and secret society of men. Recently this occurred on a daytrip riding motorcycles and ATV’s through the mountains on the logging trails of the Tillamook Forest in Oregon. Often, when this happens, I may sit off to the side feeling somewhat like Jane Goodall or Dian Fossey who studied gorilla groups (pardon the analogy) in the mountain forests of Rwanda. After this last trip, I came home with some observations I thought may be of use, especially to women, in not only understanding men, but in following their lead in a few areas that I think we would do well to emulate. These are things that often occur naturally for them, that give them great advantages, and when applied to our own character would in no way detract from our sacred role as women. Granted the qualities observed in my “subjects” were those of spiritually mature Christian men, and obviously not all the qualities I observed are universal; yet the lessons remain the same.
The first thing I’ve observed on these outing is that men often enjoy the journey. For them, preparation is half the fun. There are maps that have been studied time and again of the complicated web of trails. There’s the endless pre-trip tinkering of bikes to get them in excellent working order. There’s the elaborate packing of everything involved in trying to prevent or resolve every possible contingency that could put a monkey wrench in the day. And then there is the grand placing of these objects in the exact places, tied down in the exact parts of the trailer (and it’s alright if in the process someone who passes by on the highway thinks, “Now there’s a man who knows how it’s done.”). We ride all together usually, caravan style, stopping every few miles for a good view or to discuss our next direction. Yet this process in itself is considered enjoyable, not something to be endured to get to the view from the top of Triangulation Point. What a great lesson, girls! Since most of life is “the journey”, we might as well enjoy the ride. Since most of life is “the journey”, we might as well learn to love the processes that take us to our destination: Looking well the ways of our households, raising children in a “prevention” oriented way, and prioritizing the parts of our lives right where they need to be, enjoying the journey all the while. Work with your hands in delight and smile at your future (Prov. 31).
The next observation noted that would do girls a lot of good to emulate is what I call being “socially relaxed”. I’ve observed that men do not need to socially tiptoe around one another. They are not “easily offended”(1 Cor. 13:5). They do not find it necessary to continually apologize to one another to put out any little fires of resentments, but instead have a general understanding that each looks out for the best interest of the others (Phil. 2:4), so that they approach one another with perhaps more trust and less suspicion. With the men, it doesn’t matter who you rode with, who you sit with at lunch, who is following who on the trails. In fact, you’d have to work pretty hard to raise an eyebrow.
The initial planner of the riding day is the leader (being the most familiar with the terrain) yet he consults, using maps, those who also are experienced--and no one else was insulted by that. They are perhaps less introspective, so that rather than a moment-by-moment analyzing of their emotions, they tend to orient their focus outside themselves, thus minimizing unnecessary stress and negativity. As we rode we met up with two strangers, a man and his son. Without much hesitation, these two were invited to ride with us, and after a few stops were “matter of factly” told “…ya…the Beaverton church of Christ….you should come visit… you should…seriously…” There didn’t seem to be any consideration of how such an invitation might come across socially. Ya, there’s spitting, there’s teasing (“Why’s your new bike on the trailer, and all these old ones are running like clockwork, son?”). Yet men are not easily insulted. My son calls it “giving trash”, but it’s all of no consequence because as stated earlier, men already know they’re tight. And “dishing it out” is an expression of affection-an indirect complement that one is “secure enough to take it”. When one member would perform some great feat of courage, defying gravity, rippin' it up with wheelies or other freestyle moves, the others appreciated it as much as if he had done it to raise the honor of the group as a whole, nodding appreciation to one another. The application for women? We’ll forever need to tiptoe around the feelings of other women, yet we’d do ourselves a world of good if we would assume to best in another sister’s motivations and take statements in the best possible interpretation. We can be less preoccupied with our moods and move on to more important things outside ourselves. We can be more interested in honoring others and less concerned about praise. We can rejoice in both the natural and attained abilities of one another, and realize the strengths in others benefit the whole of “us”.
My last observations were in the category of “not sweating the small stuff”. From time to time one man or another would be temporarily “stuck” behind a beginner. No impatience was noted- they had planned this to be a trip where the younger ones could gain skill. I knew when I took a flying rock to the knee as a result of someone’s stunt, in this circle that is par for the course, and not something to necessarily be announced. No visual reactions could be registered in response to the putrid carcasses of rotting salmon we came upon, or it’s close rival, the outhouses some stayed in long enough to change clothes. No biggie. Almost everything is “no biggie”. I, on the other hand, can hardly type that without shuttering.
Among these men, problems are almost cheerfully welcomed as an unspoken challenge for the group to solve together as a whole. Stories are told time and again of such triumphs--the pinnacle of which is the story of young Silas (whom they affectionately call “The Legend”) who didn’t make a corner one day and was blessed enough to fall off his quad before it tumbled down to the bottom of the canyon, several hundred feet out of reach. The process of getting it back was a job and a half to say the least. But they did it--and the story will live on. During the course of this last trip, one young warriors’ bike, which he had bought with money he had earned himself, completely died as he was racing, yet afterward he was all embarrassed grins as he bravely announced to the group “Whatever. I’m fine with it.” His adjustment to the disappointment seemed almost instant. He spent the rest of the day not in cursing a green cloud of profanity into the air, nor pouting in the parking lot, but hanging on for dear life behind the friend who had been driving the quad against whom he had been racing. It was valiant.
As we were preparing to go home (which is at least an hour long ceremony of sorts), another young rider tripped over something and somehow disconnected his dad’s brake lights on his trailer. Again, the men pulled together channeling their efforts toward solving the problem rather than wasting emotional energy expressing negativity or further embarrassing the young man. (Matt. 7:12)
The lessons for us women are obvious. Why let overreactions unnecessarily take away a measure of our joy? Molehills are not mountains. Instead of dreading setbacks, why not view them as opportunities to build closer relationships with those “on our team”. Let’s decide to keep better track of “the big picture” when things are not going our way. I’m sure a flip-side article could be written by a man regarding the good qualities that often come naturally to women, which when applied to a man’s character would benefit him without removing an ounce of masculinity. I’ll leave that to a male anthropologist.
Cindy Dunagan
cindy@straightpathspress.com
Author of the Journaling Toward Moral Excellence series of journals for young writers, preteens, teenagers, and young adults.
www.straightpathspress.com.
Journaling Toward Moral Excellence
