Becoming a mother for me was a “religious experience”. The moment that I found out I had brought a soul into this world, it moved me to drop to my knees and prayerfully dedicate my life to placing the little hands growing inside me, into the hands of her Heavenly Father’s. Even before my first child was born, for me, being a mother meant preparing this soul God had entrusted to me, to spend eternity in His presence. Any sacrifice was worth her eternal joy.
The Challenge of Selflessness
For many of us the first three years of parenting can be the boot camp of life. If you have not yet learned the attitude of Christ (Phil. 2:3-5), willingly sacrificing your own desires for another person’s good, you will. From motherhood we learn to give up for another, even the things that are fair for us to have. Motherhood was my first experience in “pouring myself out” in the complete service of another. This selflessness is forever. The challenge does not go away when we are again getting eight hours of sleep per night. It even continues past the day when you put your “baby” on an airplane to go to college, denying yourself the relief of telling her how deeply you are grieving her departure, so as not to take away any of her joy. Maybe that’s why God said women would be saved through the bearing of children. It will shape your character like very few other experiences can.
The Challenge of Forward Thinking.In some ways the environment in which we are raising our children is easier than ever. Just being born when and where our children have, probably places them among the most blessed people who ever lived. So although we are freed from spending our entire day trying to figure out how we are going to feed our family, we confront Satan who can use our wealth to weaken us if we are not looking well to the ways of our households (Prov. 31:27). Not producing children addicted to pleasure or “stuff” in this most prosperous of all nations, but rather children who serve others instead of serving pleasure, is the ultimate challenge. We are only victorious by the strength that God supplies (1 Pet. 4:11).
We must remind the young souls we love that their enemy is very real and they are on his hit list. He wants our children with him through all eternity and a mom who has her spiritual eyes open will see his efforts daily. Arm your kids with an effort equal to the multiplied effort you have witnessed Satan put forth during your lifetime. For example, in a world where pornography is only a mouse click away, investing in high quality Internet filters and parental controls on your television, can be invaluable. Realize that pornography has been put into music, and remove that stumbling block by introducing good music early to your children. Know your child’s weaknesses and don’t be afraid taking what others may consider “drastic measures” to help them secure a pure heart so that they can see God (Matt. 5:8). It is not merely enough to “abstain from evil”, we must do battle against it (2 Cor. 10:3-5). Show your children how to use their talents in ways that change the minds of the people in their generation, and to cooperate with other morally strong people to actively do what they can to make this world a better place. Let’s lead our children from knowing what is right, to loving what is right, so that they can be free from the problems that sin’s consequences bring. Yet let’s remember that rather than a perfect record, what we are aiming to bring to God is their soft, open, humble hearts so that He can do His work to bring our children to their full potential.
An environment of success also includes your model of an enthusiastic relationship with God. Let them see you listening to God (reading your Bible) and talking to God everyday. Don’t have hang ups about praying aloud, especially with your children. Someone has once said “Every word and deed of a parent is a fiber woven into the character of a child.” When you spend time enjoying the word of God together, you are creating in your children a healthy appetite for spiritual food (1 Peter 2:2). You are preventing your children from becoming spiritual anorexics who have lost their appetites for the milk of the word, and instead feel that the loving instruction you are imparting to them is being “force fed”.
The Challenge Keeping the House WarmFrom the beginning of your relationship set a tone of tender affection with your child. As much as possible, try to have a relationship that is so pleasant that the loss of your approval, or any occasional confrontation, is very rare, and therefore very uncomfortable- and not a position that a child would want to remain in for very long. Invest in your relationship so that it is not fragile when you need to say, “No.” David Tant advises “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” If a child feels they “live in the doghouse”, then being constantly in trouble, and being continually punished becomes no longer a big deal, but is merely a way of life (Col. 3:21).
- When you are angry, ask yourself “Am I angry because of what Satan is trying to do to my child, or am I angry because my own productivity or interests are being blocked today?” Be firm, but be friendly. Set your standard of behavior two notches above what drives you crazy, and run a tight ship. A fun, tight ship- like the marines on a Carnival Cruise. At home we learn how to get along, prevent and resolve problems, cooperate, share, compromise, show sympathy, forgiveness, self-sacrifice, patience, kindness, obedience, respect, and how to build our relationships.
- Be what you want to be remembered for. Let your face light up when your son comes into the room. Make it clear that you take pleasure in your role. Communicate verbally, and in your body language, “I love being your mom” (Ps. 113:9). Stop what you are doing and listen attentively to the long, drawn out dissertations about the battle in the last video game, so that you’re the person your son will naturally come to when he needs to talk about his latest spiritual battle. Build a rapport with your children by genuinely and enthusiastically praising a wise choice or a good quality. Continually exchange smiles, hugs, and inside jokes.
- Choose a “Life Verse” from the Bible for each of your children, a verse you dedicate to them that, like sweethearts who have their “song”, is “your verse”- the one that reminds them of your love.
- Include in the heirlooms that you pass down to your children your own little “Instruction Book for Life.” Sounds like a big project, but not if you are writing one small journal entry per day for a season, adding to it only occasionally thereafter. What could be more precious for them than to have in writing what you have learned about the big and small things of life, and your heartfelt dreams for them? It will be something they can pick up after I you’re gone, that will remind them of your love, and what you knew would make them happy.
- Gregg Harris, a speaker and writer in the homeschooling community, teaches parents not to practice “idiot light parenting”. The “idiot light” in a car glows bright red, and is probably what I would be dependent on, if I ever found myself a widow, to tell me to “CHANGE OIL”. For mothers, idiot light parenting may come in the form of waiting until one’s child is wearing skulls, body piercings, purple hair, and tattoos, to realize, “Timmy may be veering off the straight and narrow.” This same author advises from preschool years hanging up his “21 Rules for This House”, the first of which is “In this house we obey our Lord Jesus Christ.” We found that the 21 rules covered everything needed for a happy, peaceful home.
- Another invaluable resource for preventing rebellion is Doorpost’s “If Then Chart.” This is a poster that each family customizes to state what the consistent consequences will be for each behavior. It helps parents to be consistent, and it helps children to decide if opting for rebellion is worth the price.
- Know when to go to war. Then win the battle. Never fear losing the favor or your children. In the long run, you will be loved and respected more if you choose to value their soul more than you value having a tranquil day.
- When the going gets tough, remind your children, “We want the same goal- your happiness” (1 Pet. 3:10-12).
- View parenting challenges for what they are- an opportunity to grow character in both you and your child. For example when academic or athletic activities are in schedule conflict with eternal pursuits think, “Great! Now’s my chance to show what putting the kingdom of God first looks like!”
- Remember that disciplining our children is about saving their soul from Sheol, and honoring God, it’s not about being seen by, or performing for others. When in opposition, trust in God’s advice instead of Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, Oprah, scientific studies, and even your own experience or logic.
How does a mom accomplish the challenges God has put before her? Manage your family with the level of interest and skill you would as the CEO of an important company. Don’t wait for a life threatening illness to remember what is important in life, and use your time accordingly (Eph. 5:15-16). Many of the ladies in my congregation have a quart sized canning jar filled with walnuts and rice. The walnuts represent the things God would have us do, and the rice represents the fun things that we’d like to do. If we pour rice into the jar first, the many walnuts will never fit. If we put the walnuts in the jar first, the rice poured over and around the nuts fits in just fine. The lesson is that if we put time with and for God before time for other things we want to do, for the most part, we’ll have time for both. If, however, we put our own “trivial pursuits” in first, we’ll rarely fit time for God into our life. Ask your husband’s advice as to what trivia could be eliminated from your life. Delegate some things on the to do list toward the kids. Productivity will produce in them self worth.
With less than four years left before my youngest goes to college, I have learned that Michael Althsuler was right when he said, “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” (Or at least the co-pilot!)
Cindy Dunagan
Author of the Journaling Toward Moral Excellence series of journals.
cindy@straightpathspress.com
Journaling Toward Moral Excellence
